about a year and 3 months ago my husband daughter and i moved back to my home town to help take care of my grandmother with pulmonary fibrosis, we moved in with her and i took care of her every need until the day she died, that has been 9 months ago, she was in hospice care and one of the drugs they gave her was morphine, and i know it suppresses respirations which with pulmonary fibrosis could be a problem, she never took the medicine until the day before she died she asked me to give it to her, i gave her one dose, and in my rational mind i know i did not kill her, but i still feel guilty, i also feel like i could have made her last months here better, and no matter how many times i am told how good i did, i still fell i didn't do enough, i dream about her almost every night, and cry every day, i don't want to wake up in the mornings i never do anything that i used to do or love to do. then about 2 months ago my best friend who i have known my entire life dies in a car wreak, i have feelings of guilt about her because of the life she lead and i feel like i should have done more to help her...
i can't seem to get over any of this and i feel myself going deeper and deeper into something, depression i guess, my father has bipolar, and i suffered from post partum, but that passed as soon as i went back to work. i am not my self and i don't know what to do, i do have a family doctor, but my mother is the nurse there and i don't want her to catch wind of anything because i don't want her to worry, but i just need help so bad, i don't know what to do. i don't know what kind of doctor to see and even then i couldn't afford to do anything(no insurance)...i try to tell my husband i need help but he says that i am stronger than people who need to take meds.....but i honestly feel i will never ever come out of this....i am so lost and i don't know what to do. i get scared and nervous taking long car rides and get angry at things a lot faster than i used to . sometimes i feel like i am going to jump out of my skin and go crazy, others i just want to lay in the bed and never ever get up. i feel so selfish for feeling this way but i cant help, this is nothing like i used to be i need help
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