STUCK IN A RUT

Hi There I suffer from depression, but for a number of years previously was able to use it to work for me. Right now I\'m stuck in a rut and can\'t seem to get going! I have great ideas and the time to achieve my goals but I seem to be stuck in a \'lazy\' rut! I am at age 50 and need to make radical changes, but am overwhelmed by even trying to. My history in a nutshell: Abusive father, was abused by him in ALL ways Mother died when I was 10 Step mom made me feel like an outsider (I was the only one from My Mom living with them) Divorced after 23 years of marriage-ex had string of affairs Lost everything, except my children& myself 2 son 25&27 live in CT we have a very good, open relationship. Had an emotionally breakdown +- 15 years ago, initially had RET Later went for Psychodynamic therapy for about 4 years, ended in 2002 BEST thing that I ever did for myself was having the therapy and was able to apply what I learnt for awhile. Moved to KZN in 2004 to live with a very good man and we have a very comfortable relationship. He has 2 daughters 19&21, they live with us and I now have a very good relationship with them. It was tough in the beginning. It was very hard leaving my sons behind, but I believe that geographical synchronicity played a big role in doing so as they have really done well for themselves and have become totally independent with me living away from them. Especially my eldest son as was always very emotionally dependent on me. We still have an excellent relationship. A year ago we had break in at our home, (in fact for a whole year we many attempted break-ins) they entered with shotguns; pangas etc and luckily we managed to get away and alert the armed response. We live in a very high crime rate little town north of Durban Since then I have really gone backwards mentally emotionally and general health wise. Since moving here: I have picked 35kg (still had 15 to loose!!) Smoke like a chimney Don’t do any exercise Very depressed and back on 2 anti-depressants daily (nuzak) Being treated (degranol) for shingles, although I don’t have the rash, I have the pain. I have not been able to really make where we live homely. I get sick often –Sinus/flu/bronchitis etc Have problems with my feet-ligaments in the 1 and tendon problems in the other. I have this tendency to do every thing for others but somehow in doing so neglect/loose myself, this is an old pattern, but I am back in it again. I also have very high levels of cortisol and I know this is from the stress and my autonomous thinking pattern preparing me for the ‘emergency’. I am sorry but the “nutshell” turned into a rather large nut! (Excuse the pun :) ) Where do I start? Your input would be greatly appreciated. Regards Dawn

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